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General Jokes, Brain Teasers, Blonde Jokes, Misc Jokes, Answers to Brain Teasers


General Jokes


Employee Review

One day, a project leader was asked to submit a review of one of his employees. He wrote the following:

1) Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2) hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3) wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4) thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5) finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
6) measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7) breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8) vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9) knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10) classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11) dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12) promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13) executed as soon as possible. Regards, Project Leader


Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the project leader:


Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my true assessment of him.

Regards,

Project Leader

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WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY!

Bill Gates meets GM
At a recent expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry to the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would
have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which
case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to
drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
7. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
8. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of
the radio antenna.
10. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.



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Brain Teasers


In case you're feeling smart... The answers are at the bottom.

1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?

4. There is a house with four walls Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. How did sloppy die?

7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?

8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket of water at 30 degrees F, them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?

12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

Answers to Brain Teasers,  Back to Top


Blonde Jokes


A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.

A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse so she could tell, and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore part of the tail off and it then looked exactly like the other horse's tail, leaving our blonde friend in the original pickle. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

Disclaimer: These are not my jokes, I only compiled them, any complaints
should be posted on rec.humor, or directed towards your local congressman.

Troy C. Belding

9/27/93

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: HOW DID THE BLONDE DIE ICE FISHING?
A: She was run over by the zamboni machine.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal
her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are
all in the middle row.

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A BLONDE THROWS A PIN AT YOU?
A: Run like heck....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE GOLFER WITH AN IQ OF 125?
A: a foursome.

Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why should you never give blondes coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to re-train them.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on
Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds
her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange
juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They get lost.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless
Ming vase?
A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them pooping in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde measure her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge!

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling
idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: WHAT CAN SAVE A DYING BLONDE?
A: Hair transplants.

Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE?
A: Third Grade.

Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES?
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some
Cubans (no offence).

Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate
chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little
packet.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a
thunder storm?
A: She loves having her picture taken (flashes, get it?).

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.

Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain
surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!


Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency
room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT ALMOST CAUSED A WRECK?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.

Q: DID YOU HEAR BOUT THE BLONDE WHO COULN'T WAIT TO SEE "20,000
LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA"?
A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there
were so many teams.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO STOOD IN FRONT OF A MIRROR
WITH HER EYES CLOSED?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto
Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the
blow dryer!

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the to

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why does NASA hire blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes and empty space.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell
if they're going to work or coming home.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a
flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
*A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax
now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into
those little packages.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10
bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa
Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them, three don't exist and the dumb blonde thought
it was a gum wrapper.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who
hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her
thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and go seek winner.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher
learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Bobbing for Bimbos.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip
cookies?
A: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said
"DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
blown around too much.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her
jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A: A vacant possession.

Q: Why did the blonde finally pass her drivers test?
A: She took the examiner with her

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the ground!

Q: What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.?
A: Nail polish!
(Appendix: For those of you who are Brits, the A.C.T. is a
College entrance examination. Highest score possible is 36. Average
is about 18-20, I think.)

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?
A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the
Blonde Joke List.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of
Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was
still stuck.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the
air?
A: She missed.

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: Whats the difference between a Blonde and a Supermarket
Trolley.
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to
death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents
occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her
husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Q: A GUY ASKED HIS BLONDE WIFE "HOW DID YOU GET THE CAR IN THE
LIVING ROOM"?
A: She said "I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."

Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A BLONDE BELEIVED IN SMOKING.
A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done."

I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.


A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly
Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into
Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
Andy tells me..."


Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out
a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it
was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...


A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"


A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In
the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said
she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying
sod across the street.


Did you hear about the blonde who:
took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?


Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
to rain and the top is down!


A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"


Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her.


A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles,
she had cleaned 43 restrooms.


How about the suicide blonde,
she dyed by her own hand.


A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The
brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The
blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"


A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
people were leaving.


Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing
a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
we all fell and hurt ourselves.


There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a
redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the
mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced,
"I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles,
and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and
she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if
she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland
than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The
redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam
out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was
too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it!
I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles,
ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore
was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So
she swam back.


Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?


Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks
and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one
half hour later they were both killed by a train.


A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the
priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over
and talk slower?"


Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic genie's lamp
t he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said,
"I wish I were smarter". So she became a redhead. The second blonde said "I
wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blond said
"I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a man.


At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out
at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes
off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes later,
she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"


Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)


Another blonde sent a post card home:

"Having a wonderful time....Where am I?"


Did you hear about the blonde that was so stupid that she played third
string at a car wash?


There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.
The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde
was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw
another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped
her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that
give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you
what's coming to you!"


A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state
capitals. She proudly said," go ahead,
ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."


Blonde Medical Terminology

Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Hangnail -- coathook
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited


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Misc. Jokes


Tampons
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is
nine,
the other is four. The nine year old grabs a box of
Tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register
for check-out.
*The cashier asks, "Oh these must for your Mom, huh?"
*The nine-year old shakes his head and replies," Nope,
not for my Mom."
*Cashier: "Well, then they must be for your sister."
*Nine-year old: "Nope not for my sister either."
*Cashier: curious now; "If they're not for your Mom
and not for your sister, who are they for?"
*The nine-year old says. "They're for my four-year old
brother."
*Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother
right here??"
*The nine-year old explains; "Well, yeah! They say on
TV that if you wear one of these you can swim or ride
a bike. and my little brother can't do either.



Think you know everything?
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is"El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

Now you do know everything!



A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog" The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."




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Answers to Brain Teasers:



  1. Incorrectly.
  2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
  3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.
  4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the north pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
  5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
  6. Sloppy is a goldfish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.
  7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)
  8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen?
  9. The time and month/date/year are 12:34, 5/6/78.
  10. An umbrella.
  11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
  12. The temperature.

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